How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
