i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
