Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize