No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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