when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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