You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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