I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
