Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
