Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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