I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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