my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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