Can Purell be used as lube?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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