I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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