Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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