i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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