I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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