Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
