theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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