Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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