I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
