If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
