Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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