No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
