i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
