That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
