She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
