I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
