I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
