u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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