First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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