Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You ate ashes out of my bong
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize