actually, I'm a sock model
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
