The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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