Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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