Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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