We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
