I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My liver just had a heart attack.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
