I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We are two peas in an std pod
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
