from now on my penis is your penis
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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