I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
