My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
