the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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