Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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