So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
