it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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