Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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