you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
