When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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