he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So many bounce houses so little time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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