I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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