there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
