so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
