We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
