and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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