You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
